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March 06, 2005 12:03AM
"Noggy" raised this hand, clenched it ‘n’ brought that 'starkest of fists' down upon the worm. Guts flew everywhere. Nailhead brought a scraper ‘n’ heaped the viscera into a single slimy pile. "Into the Psycho-Pslingotron." "Noggy" scooped up the guts ‘n’ gently placed them inside a metal gizmo. The machine stood six feet tall ‘n’ was covered with dials ‘n’ colored lites. Many of these were purely for decoration, followin’ Noggy’s maxim, "Looks are everythin’." On one side of the contraption were two cables which led to stick controls similar to those on many video games. Nailhead flipped the switch ‘n’ grabbed one of the handles. "Whoooooaaaah." A gush of psychic energy flooded the herbalist's body. "Noggy" seemed to lite up like a half-charged fluorescent tube, flashes of brightly irradiated gasses jumpin’ from his foot gland to his Third Nostril. The machine hummed like cicadas in the summer. Then a bell rang. "All done," Noggy smiled. "Yummy." Nailhead grinned ‘n’ reached inside the metallic container. "Soup's on." On the metal tray lay a pile of shiny black crystals. "The Sacred Worm has turned..." began "Noggy." "...Into somethin’ even sacreder. " Nailhead's ebony face glowed with pride. The holy Worm Essence crystals had a deep purple luster. Nailhead gingerly placed them in an airtight chromium canister. "They should be safe enough here." Nailhead then carried the canister across the room ‘n’ put it in her knapsack. "Let's go get lunch, boss." "Sounds like a plan, Nailhead gal -- we deserve a bit of celebration. Our first successful Essence crystallization!"
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March 05, 2005 12:01AM
Yes, it's true -- I fucked Aunt Bee. It wasn't my idea, either. She called me up! From North Carolina, yet! Said, "Oh, Otis, "Noggy's dead now, I'm so lonely, won't you’d cum see me? I bought you’d a bus ticket, it's waitin’ for you’d at the Greyhound Depot." I thought, "Well, that sounds just a mite fishy..." This was rite after the so-called assassination in '04, see ‘n’ "Noggy" hadn't been in his grave but 2 weeks. (That's what we thought at the time, anyway). But I kissed my gal goodbye, went to the Bus Depot, drove to North Carolina... Took a taxi to the Mayberry Hotel ‘n’ sure enough, there's old Aunt Bee, ensconced upon this huge double bed with fringes all around it, in the finest hotel in town, naked, spread-legged, sayin’, "Oh, Otis, I've waited for you’d for so long." I said, "Bee... Bee, what the hell do you’d think you'd doin’?" She said, "Don't play Mr. Moralistic Preacher-Boy with me, Otis. I knowed what kind of a feller you’d are... I've heard from all the groupies over in Mt. Pilot." I said, "Bee... I'm ashamed of you’d. What would "Noggy" say?" "Well, "Noggy" would probably want to take pictures," she said, ‘n’ laughed. A snickery laugh. "But what are you’d frettin’ about? He's dead now. We won't ever have to worry about that tobacco-stain-toothed, grinnin’ fake personal savior again!!!" I said, "Aunt Bee, I won't hear that kind of talk," ‘n’ I started to walk out of the room. But then she jumped up ‘n’ wrapped her cunt around my dick. It was none of my doin’. I was standin’ up, walkin’ away... I don't for the life of me knowed how she managed to whip my dick from out of my overhauls so fast. But before I knew what'd happened, she was humpin’ up ‘n’ down on it, keepin’ herself between me ‘n’ the door, sayin’, "Oh, Otis, won't you’d please stay ‘n’ fuck me?" I said, "I won't fuck ya, Bee!" She keeps a-hunchin’ up ‘n’ down on it... I'm fuckin’ her, basically... I could say I wasn't... but I was... ‘n’ she's beggin’ ‘n’ pleadin’, "Oh, Otis, won't you’d please stay ‘n’ fuck me?" I looked her straight in the eye ‘n’ said, "Noggy's watchin’ you’d rite now, Bee. Rite this very minute! "Noggy's" hearin’ everythin’ you’d say. He's in Hell... ‘n’ he's sufferin’... ‘n’ you'd makin’ him suffer all the more ‘n’ I won't be no part of it. I'm goin’ back to my gal." So I came - then I pushed her off me ‘n’ walked out that door. Of course, she kept tryin’ to call me up... my gal got to wonderin’ what had happened ‘n’ I had to tell her... that was a mess, there. But now, last I heard, Aunt Bee's beddin’ down ‘n’ suckin’ ‘n’ fuckin’ all the god damn Church Hierarchy boys... ‘n’ do you’d think for a minute that they care what "Noggy" thinks? I suppose maybe at first they do... but then, when that old Bee starts in on 'em, applyin’ her sex-devil magic ‘n’ all, well, you'd best believe theys so-called loyalty to "Noggy" flies rite out the window! I don't like it; but it's an age-old story, that's for sure ‘n’ it ain't gonna change any time soon. But I'll sure be interested to see what "Noggy" does when he cums back to this planet in power ‘n’ Glory! Oh, yeah. We'll just see.
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March 04, 2005 12:03AM
It took a genius to invent it, but it only takes a monkey to detonate it. Boom, boom, boom! Retrograde Evolution, windin’ down, down, down! In a world in which fear is man's dominant emotion-fear of insecurity, loneliness, inferiority, love, sickness, death-what can one do to relieve the bad-tastin’ jokes of impendin' doom-'n'-ultra-gloom? Just in case they was no war, the trigger was set to go off forty years in the future anyhow! No one at the lab knew that; just the quiet little henpecked guy that everyone made fun of, the only person who had access to the long delay mode on the seemingly benign timer that was directly connected to the Atomic trigger.” Monkeys have better orgasms than humans," accordin’ to one hardworking ‘n’ detail-oriented animal husbandry expert.
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