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February 13, 2005 06:49PM
my uncle had to go to tuscon this weekend for a meeting with corporate folk. so he arrived in tuscon, and decided to rent a car to make the trip up to mesa to see me. he arrived about 7pm, and we went to dinner at z tejas (southwestern joint), and had top shelf margaritas, and a pablano pepper stuffed with chicken and spices, etc. really really REALLY good. i picked him up at his hotel (cause i have nothing for him to sleep on here, i dont even have a freaking couch..) and we had some breakfast, i showed him around scottsdale & fountain hills cause i thought he would like it there, and went back to my apt for a couple drinks before he had to head back to tuscon for his stuffy shirt convention. time went by too quickly. it was weird seeing a member of my family out here, in this enviornment which i have come to associate as a lonely one. it was nice, if just for a few hours, to talk to someone i knew.. and someone who gave a shit about what i had to say. it is hard to say goodbye to that so quickly. he told me to hang in there, that things would get better. i told him everyone says that "dont worry chris, it'll get better." i keep waiting.
im doing well in school, so far i have an A in troubleshooting & digital, and a B in recording class. when you have a lot of time to devote to school, you can do really well. but i need a job, cause im getting really poor. somehow i have to manage at least 7-8 hours of school time in with at least 4 hours of work 5 days a week. i'll do what i have to do, what other option is there.
tomorrow is valentine's day.. i sent my cousins (who are triplets and 4 yrs old) old school valentine cards, the kind you give your classmates. it reminded me of one time when i was little, i gave the entire class a valentine, even the people i didnt like, just cause i didnt want anyone to feel left out (see even at 7 yrs old i was compassionate), and i returned to my desk to find not one for me. now i can look back on it and laugh cause it reminded me of ralphie from the simpsons, when he didnt get one, and lisa felt bad & gave him one. well, i cant remember if i got a pity card, but i do remember that i never had a crush on anyone for it, so it wasnt a total simpsons episode ;) man what a shitty memory to dredge up from the past. but everyone has their horror story, right?
so yeah, valentines day is coming, tomorrow, and im trying to remain happy. i try to remember its just another hallmark holiday with no real significance, cause why do you need a special day to treat the one you love special. i mean, i suppose it would be better to be spontaneous with affection & surprises, and not limiting it to that one day. who gives a shit honestly about overpriced heart boxes of whitman's samplers, or cards that cost $3 that say the same thing every year. what it does remind me of is the time i got 2 dozen roses by surprise, and it fucked me all up. i couldnt believe i had a package on valentines day. i couldnt believe someone would spend that much money on *me* just to make me smile. i'll never forget how they smelled, or how beautiful i felt at that moment of time. man i really cant write about that anymore i cant see the screen.
school is good, i get along somewhat with a couple of people. but being the only girl sometimes puts you on the outs like it or not. it seems like my class is a bit more conservative than you would think. they "dont mind gay people but dont want it in their face" wtf is that about. i thought i was talking to my grandparents or something. i like women as much as men, and i dont care who knows it. so im willing to debate if it arises. ive already gotten shit about being from MA ("where they legalized gay marriage, what the hell?!") and i sat there and said what the fuck is wrong with you to deny anyone the same rights. ahh i thought that mindframe was passe, but apparently not. how sad. i always feel kind of on the outside. and that is fine, im used to that kind of thing. i just wonder when are people going to stop being so judgmental. do i do it to myself or does life do it for me? is it all in my head? cause i dont like to prejudge, i remain open to everything. people in other classes seem really cool, i enjoy getting to know everyone. i have given up on trying to figure it out. i am me, and hopefully that is enough. if not, then fuck it. its not worth my time.
trying not to worry about money, but its hard. again, "dont worry chris, it'll get better!" and i cling to that for dear life cause what else is there to do?
i guess im not used to feeling so alone. i am thankful for the couple of people in my class who are ok. still havent been able to make a real connection, maybe it will change, maybe it wont. i crave more than anything for someone to understand. maybe adam was right, maybe i just miss company, i miss touch, i miss a lot. god damn sick of my heart feeling so swollen. wish i wasnt so sensitive sometimes, wish i could hide my emotions and float through life like my roommate. but then again, she has said to me many times how strong i am, and how she wishes she could roll with her emotions like i do. grass is greener theory, i guess.
well, *hope* for now. i want nothing more than to update this soon with a happy blog, being my usual sarcastic self. i dont like being down or feeling sorry for myself cause i feel it isnt productive, its more freezing than anything. im trying, i am. it will be good enough, it will.
on a random note, picked up general patton vs the x-ecutioners, and burn the maps by the frames. never heard of the frames, and they've been around for a while, from ireland i guess. very mellow and radiohead-esque-ish. i really dig it. and, well, mike patton is my favorite, so anything he does is good, so if you got an extra $25 go pick up those cds. they wont disappoint.
i have a lot of love to share.. one of the last tarot readings i had said to me that life can be too cruel for me. and to stop thinking that im not good enough. it comes in phases. right now it has been hard to shake that. and i remember that he said really good things are going to happen, but he didnt want to say when. im just going to stay positive that whatever they are, it will be soon. the smiths had it right, how soon is now?
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January 25, 2005 12:08AM
i started school today, was really good. i am the only girl in my time block. out of 24 people, i contribute the only amount of estrogen. damn ladies, why arent more of you interested in audio? it doesnt bother me at all, i have more friends that are guys than girls, and its just like anything else, its the inside that appeals to me. the best part of any person, the core, is always invisible.
anyway, we met all the faculty, and signed a lot of paperwork. found out we get to work with an SSL which to those who dont know is about an $800,000 piece of equipment. hell yeah! thats not for a while but still.. huge studios usually only get their hands on those.. of course we will learn pro tools, midi/mix software like reason, logic, etc. there are mikes there that are worth about $10,000 for one. freaky. would you like to buy a car, or this microphone? an SSL, or 2 new homes? makes a person a little nervous, handling things worth more than the house you grew up in.
mostly everyone seems pretty chill. much more laid back/less pretentious than the music production workshop at berklee this summer. what a relief. of course, there are still the name droppers.. "oh yeah man, i spent this summer with new found glory.." and you want to reply 'new found glory sucks' but you nod and say 'oh yeah.. im sure that was a good time..'
i got out of school today, lit a smoke and went to my car. got in & went to put the window down. it seems stuck so i let it be. but it was hot so i tried again. it went down, and continued after i let go of the button. and it wouldnt go up. of course, anyone knows leaving yr window down here means waking up and yr car is gone or torn through. so i go around the block to the dodge dealership.. first they were 'too busy', so i asked the greeter, 'well can you tell me where there is another dodge cause this needs to get fixed today.. (it was 2.45 at this point) he said he'd ask. he goes over to a service advisor, and comes back with a paper mat, and paperwork for me too fill out (yay, more!) tells me to pull all the way up to the other end & the 'service advisor' will be out shortly. he comes over & i tell him the problem, i say i think it might be the switches, they seem broken. he named 2 other possibilities, asked me to pop the hood so he could 'take a look'. im like 'everything's fine under there, i was just here..' he says 'wow! looks good!' (it ought to! i just spent $600 at this fucking place last week)..
he calls up some guy in parts, they or anyone in the area do not have it. it could be the motor, that costs 150ish. have a seat, and i'll come update you..
i sit in my chair under the umbrella, sighing. back here. again. wtf.
he comes back a little while later. its the switches! someone went to pick up the parts, should be about an hour. thank jeebus..i thought. an hour later, i pay $24 in parts and $89 in labor. again, WTF. i have now spent about $750 on a 2002 neon in the last week. not to mention, before i left, i got it serviced to the teeth with $800 worth of necessary evils like brakes, tires, etc. i am always extremely diligent with my car cause i want to have it for a long time and i pay decent $ for it. well im thinking $1500 is enough in 2 months time. fuck!! it better give me a massage at this point. just another one of those 'obstacles' to jump over i guess.
ahh! and this morning i turned off my alarm to find a teeny baby bug on the floor a foot away from me. i think we noticed each other at the same time. cause all of a sudden, it turned around and dashed for cover under my cd books. uh uh. i tear those out off the shelf. it scurries under the next one, which has nice stuff, like a tarot deck, different books i care a lot about. i tear those out too. it backs up to the wall and starts climbing. no fucking way. i grab the current book im reading (last exit to brooklyn) and slam it against the wall. *boom* it died. my roommate busted out.. "sorry to wake you, there was a bug in my room.." it was 7am, she was supposed to be gone by then anyway. i didnt go back to bed, i stayed up, cleaned off my book, and read a few chapters. drank coffee and watched the sunrise. that was beautiful. there's nothing better than a good sunrise. paired with a good cup of coffee of course ;)
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January 23, 2005 03:20AM
well, its saturday night, about 12.30am. completely sober, drinking a spiked iced coffee. iced coffee is like a lost art out here, its fucking odd. you'd think in warmer weather people would be all over it. but every time i order it, people look at me like ive got extra body parts growing out of my head. 'you mean iced tea?' 'no, iced coffee.' i make pitchers of dunkin donuts iced coffee at home cause i know i cant fuck up a perfectly good coffee. plus, i dont have to stroll into corporate hell (aka star$) and pay almost $3.00 for iced coffee. considering it probably costs them all of $.10 to make, including the cup. if they want to help out the world so badly why dont they lower their prices, and maybe slow down or halt the new store popping up on yr block any day now. /rant, back to the real reason im here..
ok. sober. my detoxing roommate is passed out on the floor. she has a drug test for a job on tuesday, so she went out and spent $25 on goldenseal and other supplements. she is convinced that she is unable to drink during detox. i say, i understand but i dont see how having a drink would slow down the thc detox. but im no md, so i really had no comment. i could dig rolling a small joint for me, but i'd feel bad by not sharing. but then again, she's asleep. but then again, its more fun to smoke with others. and lastly, i'll probably roll the week's remainders. ahh, better idea.
school starts on monday, thats going to be fucking weird. i havent been to school since i was 20. 6 yrs ago! man i feel old.. but this isnt just college, its a school for audio engineering. this is my passion. music, and helping to create it in some way or another. im too psyched. i know im on the right path, so why these bullshit obstacles. i suppose if things were easy then it would be boring? kind of like if we knew the outcome to life then why bother? who knows. i wonder if rich people lack in life experience since money can shade you from much of it. i mean, think about it. if my family were taking care of my tuition then i'd be shaded from the real life of supporting myself. ive supported myself pretty much since i graduated high school. and i personally like the independance. i dont particuarly like spending the last few $$ i have on necessities like tp or paper towels, etc. but i feel like im doing it myself and how cool is that. luckily, i always seem to manage to afford smokes, coffee, and a little alcohol or other recreations when needed. so im doing ok.
i need to buy a couch. sitting in these angry $8 metal chairs gets old.
there is a gecko hanging out on my wall outside.. it comes every few days or so. i like to think its the same one. maybe i should give it a name. maybe i should let him in to see if he can hunt out the remainder few bugs left in my apt. those fuckers freak me out. in my dreams even, i am killing roaches. sleeping is varied cause i'll wake up in the middle of the night and check around my room. im such a girl when it comes to this shit. any other bug, and im fine. but roaches are gross. i have become a cleaning nazi, making sure everything is antibacterialized, no crumbs, no moisture, etc. terminix has been coming on wednesdays.. he's pretty cool.. and really good looking.. but then i think 'christina you cant be hitting on yr bug guy.' i think ive just been really sex deprived lately, and anyone interesting is becoming fair game. but, then again, sex with no feeling i think sucks. ive tried that out this year after too many draining relationships, and the fact that i was leaving to move across country, i had no right to ask someone to be in a relationship with me. maybe i just found the vanilla guys. i was not seeking any ladies, they were too complicated at that time, there is always some kind of drama. but anyway, the sex seemed bland, and after i felt nothing. im making it sound like i have this long list of men that i was with. 2 people that i had sex with as a friend with benefit thing, and only one did i have actual sex with, the other guy just went down on me. and i wasnt seeing them at the same time. ok. so after trying this out, i decided if i were to have a friend with benefits again, it would have to be monogomous on both sides, and if one wanted to seek a relationship then it would go back to friends so there would be no attachment issues, drama, etc. so i guess a friend with benefits with heart. if there ever was such a thing. damn terminix guy making all this stuff pop up in my head. its like a battle of my morals. i think i miss sex a lot lately, but what i miss the most is experimenting with someone you have given yr trust to, someone who knows you better than you know yrself. that is true desire. to me.
i should go smoke that joint before i write an essay of my sexual philosophy. i should try to do that someday though, i'd like to put it down in writing to see what i come up with...
well, dear readers (if there in fact are any), until next time..
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