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July 11, 2006 12:25AM
I'm a monster. I'm a monstrous monster. I have a metal belly that I drag through the city underground, and it shrieks and sparks when I rip it against the old steel walls, flaying my flashing sides with gleeful abandon. It's so boring, walking normal and talking normal. And acting is a disgraceful profession. I want to be honest and fierce but suddenly everyone's looking and there's no thing to do to live up to the expectations you raised. So how do you make a connection with the Person you want if you keep your shoulders in and your eyes down and your toes pigeoned?
How to become the Self at all, even -- before getting all cranked about finding the Other?
I'm finally getting what I want, in the weirdest way. Learning that everyone is more or less ordinary except in my mind. Which means I can take it home with me; I don't have to leave it here in more capable hands... mine are the most capable hands and always were all along. The grime is all over everything and in everyone's faces until they're ugly without realizing it or caring. Chase lights and buyable stuff is everywhere, but who needs it?
I'm a feral Rock Pigeon that has wings but mangled feet. A young woman found me on the street where she works and wanted to save me. I don't understand the string that wraps around my legs and compromised my circulation until I could only sit on the ground among the other birds and peck lamely at the wet cardboard waste we call food. We live in a nearby building with a water tower. Some of the others fell in and drowned but I'm too bird-brained to be upset by the floating bodies. But my legs hurt. That young woman was going to go inside and get her sweatshirt and throw it over me before I could fly away, and cut off the string with her pocket knife and slather my feet with antibiotic ointment. She would've done it, too, except a truck came and I flew away before she could run back with the sweatshirt.
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July 03, 2006 09:33PM
I want to strangle my stage manager. As an intern, I have to report to him and am discouraged from ever talking to anyone else involved with the production. They like to make it clear that we three interns are on the bottom rung of this hierarchy. The stage manager is on the second-to-bottom rung. But the thing is, he's an incompetant moron. And an asshole. He treats me as if I'm less-than-human. And I'm not being paid. Which makes me wonder what right he has to treat me like I'm his bitch.
And whenever he says something to me, I envision blowing his brains out with a shotgun. Like, I can see his neck exploding and his fat sweaty head being blown backwards but not quite severing itself from his dumpy body. I can imagine every last detail of gore, and it pleases me.
This is distressing. Violence is not something I'm attracted to. I can't even enjoy Tarantino films for this reason. I have to sit there and reassure myself "it's fake, it's fake, it's sort of a joke, it's Hollywood..." but it still disturbs me on a fundamental level to see one human being torturing or destroying another human being.
But now I'm having these brutal fantasies. And that pisses me off. It means he's a really twisted motherfucker, to make such an innocent and sympathetic and generally gentle person like myself have such thoughts. Even at the darkest point in my life, I never fantasized about hurting other people. I'd think about pulling the fire alarms and burning the school down once everyone had evacuated. I'd think about swinging an axe into my parents' giant TV screen. But I'd never think "I want to kill my teachers" or "I want to hit my parents." Never.
This isn't healthy. I want to scream. I want to quit. I want to fight.
But my parents raised me to be curteous and take the high road, even if the people around me are acting poorly. But goddamn. Where's the benefit? Seriously, where's the benefit? It's like a stress test. Like "let's throw a lot of psychological shit at Action and watch how she deals with it."
Except, no one's watching. No one is testing. There is no real benefit to be had by putting myself through this. And I'm afraid that I may already be suffering harm.
Fuck.
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July 02, 2006 10:38PM
All New Yorkers, please note:
www.spfnyc.com
The Summer Play Festival begins on July 5th and runs through July 30th. It showcases 15 brand-new, full length plays. Tickets to each play are only $10. This is some good, cheap stuff. The productions all have individual directors, writers, design teams, and are cast with some of the best theater actors from NYC and all over the country.
I personally recommend "Swan Song," (week 4 in July) a period piece which is about the rivalry/friendship between the playwrights Ben Jonson and Will Shakespeare.
Also, "Spain," (week 3) a sort of modern-day Don Quixote scenario... an a-m-a-z-i-n-g script which is sure to materialize as a thrilling production.
"The Squirrel," one of the week 1 plays, might interest anyone who enjoys the directorial/writing style of filmmaker Wes Anderson (Bottle Rocket, Rushmore, Royal Tennenbaums). A fast-paced comedy.
"Splitting Infinity," also a week 1 show, is a play of ideas which tries to reconcile the spiritual rift between pragmatic science and religious faith. Phenominal set design, excellent cast, tight script - well-executed.
"Gardening Leave," (week 2) has beautiful dialogue and character development. It is a sort of love story between two very different East Londoners. I love their personalities. This is a subtle play that would appeal to people who prefer relationship studies over plot twists, action, and scene changes. But it is magnificent. Think "Jane Austen."
The play I'm working on, "The Butcherhouse Chronicles" (week 2) is about 4 high schoolers who stumble into a horror-house. It is very popular among the younger interns at the SPF, so if you or anyone you know is in the age range of about 14-20 and likes thrillers, let them know.
www.spfnyc.com
I've read 9 of the 15 scripts so far. Once I've read the rest I'll add another post with more recommendations.
This isn't lousy small-time theater, guys. And if I thought it was bad, I wouldn't lie and say "come see it!" because I'm not being paid to work for them and I feel no obligation to peddle their wares. In fact, I'm struggling a bit because there are a lot of uncool personality issues with my own production crew.
But this is the real deal, the cutting-edge stuff that may revolutionize the future of theater ...ie save it from drying up and disappearing in a world of Television, DVDs, and Movies.
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