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June 29, 2008 11:09PM
So, last night I go to San Diego. I have to be at this
party where the South Coast Swing band is playing,
because the same guy that hired me a few months
back has hired them.
Their singer's unavailable for a few months, so
the guy paying us all hooked me up.
Right?
So, after last week's painful rehearsal, I decide I'm
going to sit in on their show, to hear how they do
with the female performer they have.
The party goes on for 2 full hours after they close
the bar, and I'm driving back home to Redondo
at like 2:45am
I'm speeding the whole 125 mile stretch, and about
half-way through Orange County, I get pulled over
by California Highway Patrol
BWWOOOOOOOP!! BWWOOOOOOOP!!
They have a PA on the squad car that's something
like 8 billion decibels, and I can hear them telling me
to pull over.
I had been eating a burrito at the time, and now the
whole thing is in my lap - getting beans and crap
all over my nice embroidered red shirt Mom had
just got me.
"Is there a problem, officer?" I ask, with my broadest
smile. 
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
"Like.... um - 65?"
"No. More like 95 miles per hour."
"How much have you had to drink tonight?"
"Not a thing!" I say, cheerfully.
I begin to politely protest;
"Look, I'll cop to speeding. I know, my bad. Just,
I couldn't deal with all the minivans driving under
the speed limit, and--"
"How much have you had to drink tonight?"
"Nothing," I say, honestly, "only Diet Cokes all night."
"Please step out of the car, sir." Officer Lopez says.
I step out, and immediately they start conducting
the field sobriety test.
"Put your hands to your sides and tilt your head back
with your eyes closed and walk a straight line with
one foot suspended 3 feet above the ground and
hop on one foot, and count backwards from 30,
while reciting the alphabet backwards, and then
pivot on one foot and say all of the lyrics to the
Hokey Pokey, but stop on the second verse and
then repeat until I tell you to stop. Then, open your
eyes while I shine this mag light into your eyes..."
This goes on for THREE TRIES.
"How much alcohol have you had tonight, sir?"
"Nothing!"
Then, the breathalizer.
"Where are you coming from?" They ask me.
It's 2:45 am
"The Town and Country Convention Center" I respond.
"The Town and Country C-c-c-" he replies, trying to spell it on
his note-pad.
"It's spelled C-O-N-V-E-N- T-"
"That's OK, I know how to spell!" He snarls at me.
"Is there a problem officer?" I ask him, all smiles.
Anyway, they're both in shock when I pass the breathalizer.
"Are you diabetic?"
"Nope."
"Do you take incilen?"
"Nope."
"Are you under the influence of narcotics?"
"Nope."
"Do you take medications of any kind?"
"Nope."
"Have you had any surgery recently?"
"Nope."
"Is there anything wrong with your car, mechanically? "
"Nope."
"Did you bump your head?"
"Nope."
***
I got home at about 4:00am, and - realising I needed to work the next morning,
I put myself under hypnosis, using some CD's I had just in case...
7:45am
I'm flat on my back, next to my bed - drool rolling out of the
corner of my mouth, wearing only a pair of boxer shorts.
BUT- they let me off without giving me a ticket!
Thank heaven for that.
Had I had so much as a little Binaca on my breath,
I'd be sitting in jail right now.
I've learned my lesson. The hard way.
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May 14, 2008 07:24PM
I had a terrific day yesterday. Truely.
I wrote a great, uplifting chapter to my book.
I helped a couple friends overcome some hardship.
An old buddy of mine is sending me some cool
comic books.
I even made a little pocket money.
All in all, not bad.
And then... I got into a circular, and altogether
unpleasant business on the MB's leaving me with an
emotional hangover.
BUT - I'm not ruled by negatives. Not today.
Today is a good day, it's all in my attitude.
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May 13, 2008 10:34PM
I.
HAVE HAD.
ENOUGH!
OF - YOU!!
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